Chasing Hope Page 14

  He finally nudged her up and yanked the fabric over her head, leaving her bare to him. He stood up and admired her, her hair spread out like a curtain around her face, her plump breasts, her tapering waist down to her rounded hips, and her sex just begging for attention.

  She raised her eyes slowly and stared at him. “What?”

  “You’re so beautiful.”

  Normally, when he complimented her like that, she would get embarrassed and try to cover herself. Instead, she sat up and reached for his shirt. “I want this off.”

  “You do, huh? Well, I guess I can make that happen.”

  Together they unbuttoned his shirt. As the two sides fell open, Maddie stroked his abs, her fingers tracing each hill and valley. God, he loved having her hands on him. She kissed his chest, working her way up until she sucked his nipple into her mouth.

  He gasped as jolts shot through his body. No wonder she liked that so much. He’d have to spend more time giving her the same pleasure she’d just given him.

  He fumbled with the button on his jeans, finally jerking it open and yanking them down, bending only long enough to pull them off his feet.

  She reached for his boxer briefs but he grabbed her hand away. “Not yet. If I feel your skin completely on me right now, this’ll be over way too soon.” And he had plans for her. If he played his cards right, those plans would take all night.

  He nudged her back and stretched out over her, his chest against hers and his thigh settling between her legs. Heat poured off her core in waves. The skin to skin contact had his cock sitting up and taking notice. As if his body hadn’t noticed her the minute she stepped into the living room.

  He slipped his tongue into her mouth, teasing the tip of hers but not hanging around. He had much more exploring to do. He might have spent years lying beside this exquisite woman, but he never tired of finding something new that excited her.

  He slid down her body, his tongue tracing a path to her breasts. He huffed a hot breath over her nipple, pleased when it pebbled. She was so responsive, and the time away had heightened her body’s reaction to him. He teased that nipple to a stiff peak with his lips and tongue and then finally nipped it with his teeth.

  She arched, as though offering herself to him. Damn, that was so sexy.

  He moved across her body, laving the same attention to her other breast until she was writhing beneath him.

  She snaked her arms around his back, trying to pull him up to her, but he would not be deterred. He raised his head and met her heated gaze. “Nuh-uh. I have more plans for you first.”

  He peppered kisses down her belly until he reached her core. He drew in a deep breath, letting her musky scent wash over him. It seeped into him and flooded his body with a feral need to claim her. And a feeling of coming home. It had been so long since Maddie had given herself to him in this way. Made herself vulnerable to him. This was a huge step for her and he wasn’t about to waste it.

  He traced around her core, gently parting her folds with a single finger. Her arousal surrounded him and eased his finger’s entry into her channel. She gasped as her inner muscles clenched down. God, he loved making her squirm. He stroked inside her, rotating and twisting his finger before inserting a second. He scissored them, stretching her and loving the way she held on to him.

  He withdrew his fingers and she whimpered. He raised his head and caught her gaze for a minute before he lowered his head and stroked his tongue across her sex. He licked again, circling his tongue around her before plunging it in. He had always enjoyed making love to his wife this way, but it had taken a long time before she was comfortable with him performing oral sex. But once she was, their marriage had taken on a new level of intimacy.

  Come to think of it, it had been a long time since he’d been with Maddie like this. Maybe if he had taken more care and paid more attention to her, they wouldn’t have struggled as much as they had.

  But now he understood his role in the breakdown of their marriage, and he was determined to never let them feel that separation again.

  He plunged his tongue in, this time adding a finger, and her entire body tightened. She was so close. He could feel it. He could always read her body, her responses, in a way that sometimes even she didn’t realize. Her breathing was ragged and her legs wrapped around his head, holding him in place.

  He circled her clit with his tongue as he plunged his fingers in. Then he sucked her clit into his mouth and her body clamped onto his fingers, her inner muscles pulsing and squeezing as she exploded. He continued stroking and licking until she pressed her feet against his shoulders and pushed him away.

  “Too much.” Her legs fell to the side and she sprawled on the bed like a wet noodle. While she was recovering, he stripped off his boxers and slid up beside her. He gathered her into his arms, knowing that she would need a minute to recover.

  He used to be an arrogant asshole, getting pissed when she didn’t immediately want to finish with him. But as their relationship grew, he’d come to learn that if he gave Maddie a chance to recover, she’d be ready to go again. Just another thing he’d forgotten about being with Maddie.

  Besides, he needed a moment himself. When he was younger, he thought that sex was all about getting off as quickly as possible. As a athlete, he had his fair share of groupies willing to indulge him. And he was more than willing to make sure they were happy, always did, but in the end, it was always about him.

  Until he met Maddie. Only then had he realized how much he enjoyed making her feel good. Even if it didn’t mean anything for him.

  Maddie’s stroked his chest, tangling her fingers through his chest hair. Each caress on his skin had his cock twitching, stretching up toward the source of the stimulation. Her hand continued its lazy path across his chest, and then lower, until she brushed the skin above his cock. He sucked in a breath, wrapping his fingers around her wrist and pulling her hand to his lips.

  She followed and climbed over him, straddling his belly, her ass teasing his erection. She leaned forward, brushing her hair across his chest. The little minx.

  He placed his hands on her hips and shifted her settling her over his cock. She threw him a heated look and when he knew they were completely in sync, he lowered her onto him.

  She moaned and her chin sank, her hands braced on his chest. Damn, he loved her like this, open and exposed. Not hiding anything.

  She flexed her muscles around him and lifted herself slowly, torturously, until he was almost completely out of her. Then she dropped again, taking in every inch of him, rolling her hips to drive him even deeper.

  They built up a rhythm, his fingers squeezing her hips so hard he was probably leaving marks. Maddie didn’t seem to mind, her head thrown back as her breasts bounced with each movement. A deep burn flamed in his gut, spreading through his arms and legs, the tingling sensation growing and building. Maddie moved faster and he could feel her muscles quivering around him. She was close.

  He rolled them over, never severing their connection, and thrust into her hard and deep. Maddie cried out, her breaths ragged as she rode out the climax. He continued thrusting until he felt his gut seize up and pull tight as he found his own release.

  She collapsed over him, her muscles lax, her chest heaving. His arms snaked around her and held her to him. After her breathing calmed, he pulled out and rolled them over, pulling her into his arms and settling her head over his heart while they both recovered.

  “Damn,” he huffed out on a breath.

  “Yeah… that.”

  He chuckled. Another thing that he was rediscovering was Maddie’s sense of humor. One of the reasons he’d fallen in love with her was that they appreciated each other’s personality. Yeah, it was cliché, saying she had a good personality… but she did. Her eyes sparkled when she smiled and she always told great stories, even if she stretched the truth at times. And she had never been afraid to ask for what she wanted—in and out of the bedroom.

  That was where things had started
to go off the rails.

  He shook his head. He refused to allow negativity to invade this space anymore. He hugged Maddie closer to him and pulled the covers over the both of them.

  Chapter Nineteen

  A minute, or maybe an hour, later, Maddie finally caught her breath and murmured into his chest. “Wow.”

  “Yeah.”

  Justin pushed up and slid his thumb under her chin. She struggled to open her eyes, heavy from sheer exhaustion… and pleasure. But she forced them open and locked her gaze with his. He studied her for a moment, his head tilting. What was he looking for? Did he regret making love to her?

  “Are you okay?” he finally asked.

  “I’m better than okay.” It hadn’t been like that, the intensity, the intimacy, in a long time. Way too long. And that was her fault—her focus on charting and temperature and planning exactly when to have sex. Don’t go there, Maddie.

  That cocky grin of his that she loved so much split his face. She hadn’t seen it much recently. “I aim to please.”

  She chuckled and pushed at him. She hated breaking the mood but she just couldn’t lay here naked. His gaze boring into her was too much. She’d revealed so much of herself to him while making love. Much more than she had in a long time. It left her vulnerable. After their struggles and her frustration, she rarely let him see her naked outside of the scheduled sex. But this was a new kind of exposed.

  She scrambled off the bed and grabbed at the clothes on the floor, finding his shirt on the top of the pile. She tugged it on and fumbled to pull it closed. Her hands trembled as she tried and failed to fasten the buttons.

  She heard a rustle and then he was beside her, his fingers on hers as he helped her finish. Then he led her back to the bed and tucked her against his side with her head on his chest.

  She’d dreamed of this moment for a long time. When Justin finally came back to her. She’d spent her entire bath fantasizing about him stepping into the bathroom while she was in the tub, her eyes locked on his as he stripped down and climbed in behind her. His hands cupping her breasts, sliding down her slick body.

  He hadn’t joined her in the bath.

  But when she’d heard the plinking sound on her window, her heart had leapt. He’d been so cute when he raised his head, looking like he had when they first dated, full of hope and promise, not beaten down by the everyday realities of life.

  It had only taken a minute to light the candles she kept strewn around the bedroom while he hurried around the house. She was determined to bring some romance back into their marriage.

  And it had worked.

  It hadn’t always been easy between them, but it had been good for a long time. Until it wasn’t. She hadn’t realized how much she missed just being with him, having a chance to connect, until they had lost that intimacy.

  She’d had a taste of what she’d lost now, and she was going to grab hold with both hands. That didn’t stop her mind from wandering to her nightstand. She could practically picture the chart in the drawer, days marked off with bright red Xs. And beside it was the thermometer in its case, waiting for her to slip it under her tongue. She tried to fight back the thoughts, but she struggled. After hoping for a baby for so long, it wasn’t like she could just turn off the thoughts or the innate need that had taken up residence deep in her gut.

  “Maddie, we should, uh—”

  She held up her hand. “Stop. Don’t say it.”

  “Say what?”

  “Whatever you were gonna say.” Maddie squared her shoulders but she refused to look him in the eye. “Things are perfect right now, and anything you say could threaten that.”

  He tucked his finger under her chin. “Maddie, look at me.”

  She steeled herself and then raised her eyes slowly. His gaze softened but she couldn’t mistake the conflict swirling in his beautiful hazel eyes.

  “I’m sorry.”

  Tears welled in her eyes and she swept them away angrily. He was not going to come in here, sweep her off her feet, make love to her, and then apologize. They’d just shared an emotional connection she’d been missing for so long, and she wasn’t going to let him pull away from her after that.

  “Talk to me, Maddie. Tell me what’s going on. What you’re thinking.”

  She sucked in a few deep breaths.

  How could she reveal everything running through her mind right now? Shoot, she was ping-ponging back and forth through so many emotions that she could hardly identify them herself, much less explain them to Justin. Being with him this way, she could almost imagine their marriage was perfect, that he didn’t live under another roof. And then she got mad that he had left her alone to deal with everything she was going through. Which in turn made her want to crawl under the covers and pull them over her head.

  She didn’t want to drive him away all over again.

  If only she could live in the moment, enjoy what she and Justin had shared, the progress they’d made on their relationship. But no, she had to think about whether she could have gotten pregnant, how she wanted to yank open the drawer and check her calendar. How she yearned to shove a pillow under her knees to help her chances.

  Tears sprang to her eyes again. Dammit.

  Justin kept his hand on her shoulder. But he didn’t say anything. In the past, he would have pushed her to talk about what she was feeling and would have thrown his own feelings into the mix. But she appreciated that he gave her a chance to sort out everything running through her brain.

  But the one thing she knew for sure was that she wasn’t ready to handle the fallout of what they had just done. “That shouldn’t have happened.”

  She kept her gaze locked on his and saw the minute that her words sank in. “Why not?”

  “I don’t know. I’m so confused right now.”

  “Let’s talk about this. I didn’t want to confuse you. We may not have been thinking, but that was a good thing. For the first time in a long time, we were feeling.”

  She squeezed her eyes shut. “That’s the problem. I don’t know what I’m feeling. That’s not right. I’m just feeling so many things right now.”

  He pulled her into his arms. She stiffened and tried to resist. Tried to put up the walls that had protected her from getting hurt for most of her life. But it felt too good to be in his arms. Where she belonged. She eventually relaxed into him, resting her head on his chest. After what felt like forever, he said, “Tell me.”

  “From the day you moved out, all I wanted was for you to be back in our home. With me. Each time I saw you, and you kissed me, it was all I could do not to beg you to come home. It felt like when we were dating all over again.

  “I know. I—”

  She raised her hand. “No, wait. Just let me get this out.” She was trying hard not to get emotional, to maintain a rational conversation with him. They hadn’t had enough of those recently. Their mode of communication had devolved into yelling and she didn’t like that anymore than he did.

  He rested his hand on her back and didn’t say anything else.

  “When I opened the window and saw you there, my heart soared. It felt good. I liked feeling the excitement of what could be.”

  “I feel the same way. We’ve come so far in the past few weeks, and I felt like we were ready to be together again.”

  “I thought so, too. It was like it was before. Before I ruined everything.”

  He leaned back until he could look her in the eye. “Maddie, you didn’t ruin everything between us. It hurts me to think you feel that way. We’ve both had a hard time recently.”

  “But you left me.”

  “No. I left the house so that we could have a break. We needed some time away from each other so that we could rebuild our relationship. And as hard as it has been going to bed alone every night, I think tonight is evidence that it has been helpful.”

  She could no longer have this conversation lying across his chest. She pushed up and sat on the bed, her legs crossed, facing him. When he realized
what she was doing, he sat up, his back against the head board. It was hard for her to talk to him this way, but they had no chance of building a future together if she wasn’t honest with him. “It has been better. And I don’t regret making love to you. But…”

  “But what?”

  “The minute we were done, do you know what I thought?”

  He sucked in a breath and his shoulders tensed. Damn, she hated that she had made him this way. But she had to be honest with him.

  “I wondered if it was a good time of the month.”

  His face fell.

  Everything they had worked through in the past few weeks and she’d ruined it with one sentence. “What is wrong with me? I just made love with my husband, and it was freakin’ awesome, but I spoiled it all.”

  He covered her hand with his but he didn’t speak right away. He had allowed her the space to organize her thoughts. She owed him the same. He opened and closed his mouth a couple of times and then finally spoke. “You didn’t ruin anything. You’ve wanted a baby for a long time. It’s not just something you can turn on and off. We hadn’t been together in a long time. It’s only natural your thoughts would turn in that direction. But you know what’s different?”

  She sniffled and shook her head.

  “This wasn’t planned. You didn’t come at me with a calendar and a thermometer. We weren’t thinking. We were just feeling.” He slid his hand off her knee and climbed out of the bed.

  Oh God, he was going to leave. What had she done?

  But he didn’t leave. He crossed to his dresser, pulled on a pair of pajama pants, and climbed back on the bed. After he got settled, he took her hands in his. “What I’m about to say may hurt you. When we were having sex before, when it was based on your charts and your plans, it didn’t feel like we were actually making love. It wasn’t intimate. It wasn’t because we couldn’t wait another minute to be together. It was clinical. And, frankly, not very enjoyable, not like it should be.”