Chasing Hope Page 20

  “Just hear me out. I became obsessed with getting pregnant for so long that I lost sight of the bigger picture. All along, what we’ve always wanted was a big family. Siblings for Aiden. After seeing Sofia again last weekend, I began thinking. Getting pregnant isn’t the only way to have a big family There are so many kids out there who need homes. Why can’t we open up our home to someone who needs it?”

  Wow, that was a complete one-eighty from just a short time ago. Especially after all this time and her singular focus on having a baby. But was it wise? “That sounds great in concept, Maddie, but, um, I don’t know how to say this so you won’t take it wrong.”

  “Just say what you’re thinking. I’m not fragile. Think out loud, do whatever you need to do.”

  That was the old Maddie talking, the one he knew was strong enough to handle whatever life threw at her. That was the only reason he felt comfortable discussing this topic in this way. “What if you’re replacing one obsession with another? What if Sofia is a replacement for your need to get pregnant?”

  Maddie’s kept her eyes locked on his and she didn’t try to shy away from the tough conversation like she had in recent months. “She isn’t. Well, she is but she isn’t. Not in that way. Sofia and I connected the first time we met. You saw that. Her story is heartbreaking, and when we spent time together on Saturday, and I had to hand her over to Wanda at the end of the day, my mind started racing with ideas.”

  “Don’t you think this is something we should have decided together?” She’d had several opportunities to discuss this with him, but she hadn’t. That was what was bothering him more than the concept of Sofia—Maddie’s need to take this on alone. Cutting him out of the process.

  “Of course. I know it’s been a rough time for us recently, but things are so much better. I feel it deep within me that we are back on the right track. And I’ve seen how you brighten when you see Sofia. She is comfortable around you and you were great with her tonight.”

  He couldn’t deny the connection he felt to Sofia. But was it true feelings for the girl or sympathy for her situation? “She needs stability more than anything else. I’m afraid we can’t give that to her. Besides, what does Wanda think about the fact that we’re separated?”

  Maddie reached out for him, her hand hovering over his arm, but he pulled back.

  Her touch was so electric, had such an impact on him, that he was afraid he’d be unable to think clearly if she touched him. Maddie’s expression fell. He hadn’t meant to spurn her. That wasn’t the issue at all. He had to explain this in a way that managed her expectations.

  But before he could, she piped up. “I discussed the possibility of being a single foster parent. But I hope it doesn’t come to that. We’re getting closer, aren’t we? We’ve talked about so many things that were wrong with our marriage, with me, and being with you has been better than ever.”

  He couldn’t deny that. But were they in a good place to bring another child into the mix, someone else who would be impacted by the turmoil in their relationship?

  She sighed. “The process to become a foster parent takes so long, I didn’t want to wait to start. I’m asking for your support. I’m willing to do it alone, but I don’t want to. I want us to be together in this.”

  He wasn’t sure about anything right now, but he couldn’t deny how Maddie’s eyes lit up when she looked at Sofia. How good of a mother she was to Aiden, and could be to Sofia, however temporary it was. But could Maddie handle it if they welcomed Sofia into their home only to have her snatched away by the system? There were so many things to think about. “It sounds like you’ve given this a lot of thought.”

  Her expression brightened. “I have. I’ve been reading about foster families and what struggles we may face. But the benefits to Sofia… and to us… will outweigh any of the challenges. Will you at least consider it?”

  He owed her that much. It had been so long since he’d seen her really enthusiastic about something. Even getting pregnant had become more of an obsession than anything else in recent months. But he saw hope in her eyes when she considered the possibility of having Sofia in her life. “You’ve given me a lot to think about.”

  She hopped up from the couch almost before he had finished speaking. A minute later, she rushed back into the room with a pile of papers in her hands. She shoved the stack at him. “This is some of the paperwork. I filled out most of yours, to make it easier. All you have to do is review it and then sign. There are background checks and then they’ll want to do a home study, and you’ll need to be here for that and then they’ll evaluate our application to be foster parents. In the meantime, Wanda came over earlier today and checked out our house and authorized temporary visitation, a few hours here and there, while the paperwork is being processed.”

  Justin held his hands up. She had clearly been doing her research. “Maddie, hold on. That’s too much information all at once. I’ll take the papers and I’ll do some reading. That’s all I can promise right now.”

  “That’s good enough for me.” Maddie flung her arms around him.

  He relaxed into the couch, enjoying the feeling of her on his lap. This was the Maddie he had fallen in love with, the one full of hope for the future and excitement about life, and he hadn’t seen her for a long time. If Sofia could put that kind of light back into Maddie’s life, her plan deserved his serious contemplation.

  This night hadn’t turned out at all how he expected when he’d walked in the door. But this was clearly important to Maddie, which meant it was important to him. He had a lot to ponder about, and he doubted he’d be thinking about anything else.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Maddie fidgeted in her chair while Dr. Bryson sorted through papers on her desk. After locating what Maddie assumed was her file, Dr. Bryson snatched a notepad off the corner and rounded the desk, sitting in the chair beside Maddie. Having the doctor so close, able to see what she was thinking and feeling, both comforted her and increased her nervousness at the same time.

  “How have things been going recently, Maddie?”

  As much as she had expected the question, her mind still raced. It hadn’t been all that long since her last appointment., but the changes she’d made proved what she could do when she put her mind to it and dug herself out of the funk that had consumed her for so long. “Oh my gosh, there is so much that I can’t even think of it all. Justin and I have been working together on what we’re calling Sports Day. It’s designed to get the families of Cedar Hill and the surrounding areas out to the park and introduce what Justin’s store has to offer them. It’s been really good contributing to the business. I hadn’t known that I was missing flexing my creative muscles until I dove in again. I love being creative and coming up with ideas and, most of all, brainstorming with Justin.”

  “That’s great. What a wonderful opportunity for you and Justin to rediscover what works so well between you. I mean, you wouldn’t have gotten married in the first place if you didn’t have that kind of connection.”

  “You’re right. Justin is also spending more time with us as a family. He’s coming over for dinner, playing with Aiden, and we even went to the Crabapple Festival together last weekend. It had been a long time since we’d done something like that together. It felt… good. And I saw families with babies and a few pregnant women and I didn’t cry or break down like I had in the past.”

  Dr. Bryson scribbled on her pad. Was she noting all the good things happening in Maddie’s life or was she thinking about what Maddie wasn’t saying? What Maddie was hoping didn’t come up today. She stopped herself. Not talking about the hard topics was what had gotten Maddie and Justin into trouble in the first place.

  And keeping information from Dr. Bryson would do her no good, so she continued. “I’m not sure I mentioned last time, but a few weeks back, we went to an event at my sister-in-law Serena’s animal shelter. There were kids from a nearby group home there, visiting with the animals.”

  “How did you re
spond to being with those kids who were looking for parents as much as you are hoping for another child?”

  Funny how the doctor put her question, because that was exactly how Maddie had seen the situation. “That day, I struggled a bit. The director, Wanda, told me a horrible story of a little girl who had been put in foster care because her mother was caught up in drugs. Eventually her mother died and left the little girl an orphan. I couldn’t believe that I’ve been hoping all this time for a child and that mother basically threw hers away. It was too much.”

  Dr. Bryson’s eyes softened and she tilted her head. “That can be tough, seeing people not appreciating what they have when you’ve been trying so hard to have the same thing.”

  “Absolutely. But after I pulled myself together, I spent some time with the little girl. She’s wonderful and so resilient. She has her entire life ahead of her and she isn’t letting her circumstances get her down.” Much like Maddie had been before her mother found herself working multiple jobs and leaving Maddie alone and scared every night. Sofia put on a brave face, but Maddie bet she pulled the covers up over her head some nights to block out the world. Maddie hadn’t thought about Sofia in that way before. This was something else they might have in common, and something Maddie hoped to help her overcome.

  “It sounds like you’ve grown close.”

  “I have. I really like her and want to help this little girl. I’ve spoken with the director of the group home about options for me to spend more time with Sofia.” Maddie admitted to herself she wasn’t telling the doctor the complete story, but it was all so new, she was struggling to organize the emotions in her own mind.

  Dr. Bryson uncrossed her legs and leaned in toward Maddie. “When you think about this girl, about her situation, and you make plans to spend more time with her, what’s going through your mind?”

  That she wanted this little girl to be part of her life.

  “Are you thinking this little girl can meet a need that you haven’t been able to meet by getting pregnant with another child?”

  Leave it to Dr. Bryson to ask the same question Justin had. It was a fair point. “I don’t think so. I mean, sure, I still want to get pregnant, but I also see a gap in this child’s life and a hole in mine. They are completely separate situations, but at the same time, Sofia does satisfy the ache I have for more kids in my life.”

  “Have you thought about what could happen if this doesn’t work out?”

  Of course it will work out. That was what she wanted to say. But she also knew that she and Justin had a long road ahead of them to be approved as foster parents. And then potential adoptive parents. But she didn’t want to think about that. Right now, she was focused on the present. “I know there are a lot of potential road blocks that can be thrown in our way. I hope that I have prepared myself for all possibilities. I’m not denying that things could go south. But when I spend time with Sofia, it’s just about that moment, seeing her smile and laugh, and hopefully chasing away the shadows in her eyes for a few hours. That doesn’t mean that I’m ignoring the worst-case scenario. I already love this little girl. I’d be heartbroken if something happened along the way and we lost our chance to give her a home.”

  “Are you ready for that disappointment? Each month, when your hopes were dashed of being pregnant, your heart broke again. And again. And you weren’t even dealing with a flesh and blood child whom you already knew and, as you said, loved. Losing your chance with Sofia after getting to know her will be a whole different kind of hurt.”

  “I think I’m prepared if having Sofia as part of our family doesn’t work out. Yes, I want this to work out with my whole heart. But if it doesn’t, it will be because a better opportunity for Sofia comes along and I can’t deny her the happiness that she deserves.”

  “That’s a positive attitude, and a good way to approach the situation, but I caution you to be skeptical. There is often a lot of sorrow when dealing with the foster system, and I don’t want to see you taking something on that will contribute to what you’ve already been dealing with.”

  “I appreciate that. It’s something for me to think on some more.”

  “Good. What are Justin’s thoughts on this entire situation with Sofia?”

  Maddie paused. She should have been prepared for this question, but she had been so focused on her own feelings… again… that she was neglecting to really consider Justin’s. “Honestly, I didn’t handle things with him well. I let my excitement get the best of me and I leapt ahead before I discussed it with him. But we’ve talked about Sofia and he’s spent time with her, too. He’s really great with her—just how I knew he’d been. He’s being cautious, which is what I expected. That’s just how Justin processes things. And it’s been a stressful time for him, too. In addition to the challenges at the store, he recently met a half-sister he didn’t know about until just last year.”

  “It sounds like he’s got a lot on his plate. Are you sure this is the right time to bring Sofia into the mix? You each have your own stresses and struggles, and you don’t want the fallout to impact Sofia. For her to get her hopes up just to have them dashed.”

  “Maybe, maybe not.” Probably. But Maddie couldn’t let that deter her. “I’m convinced that Sofia was put in my path, at this time, for a reason. I feel like I was meant to meet her at a time when she needed a mother and I needed someone else to love.”

  Dr. Bryson sat back in her chair, an expression of resignation on her face. “I think you should be careful.”

  Maddie nodded. “I am. Well, I’m trying. It’s not always easy. But Justin and I are talking now. More than we had been for a long time. But if things don’t work out with him, I’m prepared to continue a relationship with Sofia on my own. This little girl needs me in her life.”

  Dr. Bryson didn’t speak. For too long. “I caution you about acting hasty. Talk things out. With Justin. With the director of the group home, me, a friend. Anyone who will give you another perspective. Someone who will tell you what you don’t want, but need, to hear. It’s important to consider the impacts to your marriage, Aiden, and Sofia before you make any decisions.”

  “That’s one thing about this process to become a foster parent—it doesn’t allow you to be hasty. The steps are extensive and move like molasses. I’ll have plenty of time to discuss and prepare for all contingencies.”

  Dr. Bryson flipped the page, made a few more notes, and then studied something on the paper before directing her attention to Maddie again. “What about getting pregnant? Is that something you still want?”

  “I do. That need is embedded deep in my soul. It won’t go away just because we’re exploring other options. But I’m managing that need with a new perspective and…”

  The doctor waited. Maddie appreciated the moment to organize her thoughts and express them in the best way she knew how. “Justin and I aren’t trying right now. That’s the biggest change since we separated.”

  “So you haven’t made love since he moved out?”

  Maddie’s face heated. Not only had they made love, it had been some of the hottest interludes they’d had… ever. Removing the pressure opened up the possibilities of increased intimacy that they’d lost. “We’ve been… together. But we’re not thinking about anything except being with each other. Rediscovering who we are as a couple without the expectations that I was putting on our sex life.”

  “That’s really smart. I’m happy to hear that you and Justin are working on your marriage as a couple, separate from your life as a family. You’ll need that support structure in place if things move forward with Sofia. You don’t want to bring her into a fractured family life any more than you want to raise your son in that environment.” The doctor paused a minute, but before Maddie could say anything, Dr. Bryson continued. “What about you?”

  “What about me?” Wasn’t that all she’d been talking about for this entire session?

  “Are you taking care of yourself? Separate from the situation with Sofia, or Justin
, or even Aiden. Remember, in order to be the best mom and wife you can be, you have to take care of yourself first. It’s much like when you’re on an airplane and they tell you to secure your own mask before you place one on your child. If you don’t take care of yourself first, you won’t have the strength to take care of anyone else, and that’s even before you bring another child into your life.”

  Regardless of what the doctor said, Sofia was already in her life. But Maddie understood. “I am. As I said, I’m working with Justin on Sports Day. I assumed that I couldn’t do that kind of creative planning anymore after years of preschool cartoons and play dates, but it all came back to me once I blocked out the distractions and focused on the ideas. I’m still going to yoga and meeting up with my friend, Jen. Like you, she doesn’t accept my excuses. She forces me to dig deeper and think about things.” Maddie laughed as she considered their previous meeting at Java. “She certainly is not one to tell me what I want to hear.”

  “That’s really good. You need that kind of balance in your life.”

  “And most importantly, I’m not shutting myself away in the house like I was. I’m not letting things pile up because I don’t have the emotional energy to tackle them. The house is brighter, and it’s not just because I’m opening the drapes. It’s because my mood has lifted, so Aiden’s laughing more and everyone is happier and less stressed.”

  Dr. Bryson flipped her notebook closed. That usually indicated the end of a session. “We’re almost out of time, but I have to say, you’ve made great progress since we last met. But keep taking care of yourself so you’re prepared for the one step back that often comes with two steps forward. Keep talking… and listening… to Justin. Your relationship, your partnership, with him is the most important one for you to foster, whatever you decide about Sofia, or another baby, or any other stresses and challenges that come up in your lives. You’ll be better equipped if he’s there as your support system. And you for him.”