Chasing Hope Read online

  “Come on, Maddie. Lighten up. The library is open all weekend, but the game is being played now.” Amanda bounced down the hill toward the baseball field. “Besides, you said you’d come with me to see Ethan.”

  “I suppose.” Maddie bit down on her bottom lip as she practically tripped down the hill behind Amanda. “I’ve worked so hard to get to this point and I’m almost done. I can’t afford to lose my scholarships.”

  “It’s three hours out of your life. You promised you’d come with me if I studied with you last night. I did my part of the bargain. Now it’s your turn. Besides, baseball players aren’t known for hanging out in a library cubby.”

  “I’m not here to meet boys. I’m here to get an education and a degree so I don’t end up like my mother.”

  Amanda rolled her eyes, a bit overdramatically if Maddie were being honest. “Blah, blah, blah. I’ve heard it a thousand times. There’s no reason you can’t do both.”

  Maddie caught up with Amanda and stepped onto the bleachers beside her friend. She’d never gone to games in high school. It wasn’t like she had any friends to go with. She was a loner and she liked it that way. No one to ask questions or learn how she and her mother lived. But she’d missed out on a lot—games, dances, parties.

  “Look, there he is.” Amanda jumped up and down in the stands and waved at Ethan across the dirt. He threw a ball and it went smack into the glove of another player closer to them. He then raised his head and noticed Amanda. A huge smile broke out on his face and he gave her a little wave. Like he had forgotten where he was for a moment, he snapped his hand down.

  Maddie giggled. That big strong guy, worried about what his teammates thought because he’d waved at a girl.

  Despite what Maddie’d said to Amanda, she was glad her friend dragged her out today—she’d been working really hard to finish up her final semester at school. She hadn’t gotten into Villanova because of her smarts. She had to bust her ass for every grade she received and every scholarship she earned. Her part-time job at the coffee house near campus helped with some costs, but it didn’t leave Maddie a lot of time for socializing.

  Today was the first nice spring day this year, and Maddie had been staring out the library window instead of working on her paper anyway. Amanda was right. Maddie could work on her schoolwork when it was dark outside and the sun and fresh air weren’t calling to her.

  While Amanda made googly eyes at Ethan, Maddie scanned the field. Boys from both teams were throwing and catching, while others were stretching and warming up. One player, who stood closest to Maddie, appeared to have the singular job of catching the ball at the base. She didn’t know much about baseball, but that position didn’t look very exciting.

  But having him so close made it easier for her to admire how his T-shirt stretched tight across his shoulders or how the muscles in his back rippled each time he moved. And his ass… baseball pants hid nothing.

  She wasn’t complaining.

  Ethan jogged up to the boy Maddie was admiring and gestured toward the bleachers. He was probably pointing Amanda out to his buddy. Boys were always looking at Amanda. How could they not, with her long, silky blonde hair and curvy body? In high school, Maddie hadn’t worried about her looks; she was more concerned about her grades. But next to her beautiful friend, she felt frumpy. She took comfort in the fact that Amanda would be the first to stand up to anyone who dared to make a negative comment about how anyone looked.

  Ethan waved at Amanda again and his friend turned toward the bleachers. While he’d looked good from the back, that was nothing compared to the other side. The boy’s hat was tipped back so a few strands of hair hung out on his forehead, and an easy smile graced his otherwise chiseled features. The stubble on his jaw made her want to run her hand down his cheek and feel it brushing against her palm. And then his eyes landed on her. His smile grew and he raised his eyebrows just a little, but enough that she could see. Maddie’s breath caught and heat flushed her face. She almost smacked her palms over her cheeks to hide her embarrassment, but that would be even more obvious.

  Maddie’s eyes stayed locked on the boy as he sauntered to the dugout. Just before he stepped out of sight, he met her gaze again.

  And he winked and grinned.

  Chapter Three

  The bell rang above the door, announcing another customer. A welcome sound. They could use the business. Justin rounded the counter and approached the woman who scanned the shelves. The lanky boy beside her had his head buried in his phone.

  “May I help you?”

  A look of relief washed over her face. “My son is thirteen and he plays baseball. He just moved up to the big field and he needs a new bat. I tried to research on some web sites but it’s all Greek to me. I’m hoping you can help us make the right choice.”

  Just then, the boy lifted his head and his gaze landed on Justin’s hand. Or more specifically on Justin’s World Series ring.

  “Are you Justin Harper? Man, I saw you play.” The boy didn’t give Justin a chance to answer before he turned his attention to his mom. “Of course he can help, Mom. He won a World Series with the Cannons. And he coaches at the high school.”

  When Justin had first taken over his father’s store, the draw of being a former major league player had attracted customers curious about the washed-up athlete with a World Series ring. Over time, the fame-seekers had stopped coming and he’d established a small but steady clientele.

  Justin spent a few minutes talking about the game with the boy and then grabbed the employee on hand today. “It’s been great talking with you guys and, Austin, I look forward to following your progress over the next couple of years. This is Chris. He’ll show you exactly what bat you need. And make sure you check out the spikes. You’ll need those on the bigger field, too.”

  “Thanks, Coach Harper.” Austin rushed after Chris.

  “You made my son’s day. Thank you so much for talking to him.”

  “You’re very welcome.”

  Justin watched the mom follow behind her son. The beginning of a new sports season always meant an increase in sales. He’d take it. More and more, customers were driving to Philadelphia to the big box sports stores instead of staying close to home. Sure, he was a little more expensive, but wasn’t supporting a local business and avoiding the hassle of going into the city worth it?

  Justin headed into the back and flopped into his chair, the ledgers he’d left open on the desk taunting him. This month’s numbers were down from the same week last year. He raked his fingers through his hair. Dammit. He couldn’t keep going like this. His store needed something, anything, to put a jolt into their sales.

  When he’d first taken over the business from Dad, Maddie was at his side. She helped customers and developed the advertising campaigns for the store. Her face would light up when she saw the final product running in a magazine or heard a spot on the local radio station. Her creativity touched every aspect of the store as well. She would arrange the displays in a way that drew the customer’s eye, and she was great at upselling.

  After Aiden, she cut back on her time in the store. Justin was thrilled they were in a position where she could be home with their son when he was young. But Aiden had started school and Justin could use her help by his side right about now. She’d know how to turn things around. Instead, these days, she barely left the house. She spent all of her time on the Internet, reading articles about infertility.

  They weren’t infertile—they were just having trouble getting pregnant again. But she’d taken it to an obsessive level. And this morning was just one example. Justin wasn’t sure how much longer he could deal with her wild mood swings.

  He was an ass for even thinking those thoughts. He’d married Maddie because he loved her and it was his job to protect and support her.

  But he needed a break. A break from the grind their marriage had become and her compulsion to get pregnant. He didn’t even enjoy making love to his wife anymore. How could he when she�
�d turned it into a task to be checked off a list? Only at certain times, on her schedule. And only in certain positions. As soon as they were done, she’d shove him away and prop a pillow under her knees. She’d always teased him for not liking to snuggle when they’d first gotten married, but over the years, he’d come to need that connection to her after making love. He couldn’t even call the sex they had recently making love.

  Not anymore.

  He ambled to the front of the store. Helping customers, seeing the kids’ faces light up with a new piece of equipment, always chased away his stress.

  “Hey, Justin.”

  He smiled at his sister. He hadn’t heard her come in. “Izzy. And you brought Hayley with you.”

  “Hey, Uncle Justin.” Hayley threw herself at him and he wrapped his arms around her. He closed his eyes and hugged his future niece for a moment. If he couldn’t have a daughter of his own, at least he could enjoy spending time with Hayley. But even as he tried to convince himself of that, the pangs of wanting a daughter snuck in. He closed his eyes and sucked in deep breaths until he could hide his emotions.

  When he let Hayley go, she rushed off toward the racks of athletic clothes in the corner. He then wrapped his arm around Izzy’s shoulder. “Hey, squirt. What’s up?”

  “We need to get Hayley some new shorts for dance class. She’s growing like a weed and has already outgrown what we bought her for Christmas.”

  He smiled at his sister. Until last year, she’d been a professional ballerina. He was proud of what she’d accomplished, but he couldn’t help but be selfishly happy that she had come home to Cedar Hill at the end of her career. Now here she was, stepmom, or S’mom as Hayley called her, to a spunky little girl. He chuckled as Hayley was pulling out different shorts and holding them up to herself. “It appears she’s already found them.”

  Izzy stared at him a moment and the smile fell from her face. “How’s it going with you?”

  He sighed. God, he hated answering that question almost as much as he hated facing his distraught wife day after day. “I don’t know. Maddie’s obsessed. It’s not good for her. It’s not good for our marriage.”

  “It sounds like you guys need a break.”

  “We do. But I can’t even bring it up without her flying completely off the handle. She already feels like this is all her fault.”

  She threw her arms around him. “Oh, Justin. I’m sorry it’s gotten so bad.”

  “Please don’t tell Mom about any of this. I couldn’t bear to face the pity in her eyes.”

  “We don’t pity you, Justin. We just hurt with you and want the best for you and Maddie. Whatever that is.”

  “I know, sis. It’s just the stress talking.”

  “Hey, S’mom, how about this pair?” Hayley held up one of his bestsellers, black compression shorts with a bright pink band around the waist.

  Izzy’s eyes lit up and a huge smile crossed her face. “God, I love hearing her call me S’mom.”

  Izzy had blossomed since Tanner and Hayley came into her life. “You’re a great S’mom. I’m so happy for you and Tanner. How are the wedding plans coming?”

  She groaned. “Slow. Remind me again why I didn’t take your advice and elope?”

  “Because Tanner wanted you to have a big wedding with all your friends and family. I believe his exact words were ‘I’m not doing this again, so we’re gonna make this one worth it.’”

  Izzy got a dreamy look in her eye and rested her hand over her heart. “That man.”

  “Okay, that’s enough of the sappiness for one day. We’ve got a game on Friday night. You with us?” He may not be able to play ball professionally anymore, but he wouldn’t give up his time with the town softball league for anything. Between that and coaching the high school team, he was able to stay involved with the sport that had been his life for so many years.

  “I don’t know, Justin. Softball was never my forte. You remember how clumsy I was trying to run the bases.”

  “Come on, Izzy. It’s all in fun. Besides, we need two women on our team. Say you’ll come. We’re playing the fire department.”

  She rolled her eyes. “That gives me all the reasons to play. You want me because I’m a woman. I doubt you’d use that line on anyone else you asked to join the team. But I guess I’m up for a little more humiliation. Count me in.”

  He resisted the urge to scrub his knuckles over her hair like he’d done when they were kids. “Thanks a lot. I really appreciate it.”

  “I’m not sure you’ll feel the same when I strike out and let the ball roll between my legs.”

  Justin laughed. Leave it to Izzy to brighten his mood. “It’ll be fine. I promise. Now go help your daughter pick out some shorts.”

  She wrapped her arms around his neck. “My daughter. That sounds so good. I love you, big brother. Call me if you need me.”

  Justin appreciated Izzy’s support. Support he would typically get from Maddie. But she was stressed enough without him piling more on.

  Chapter Four

  Justin pulled his car into the driveway, the sun having set a long time ago. He glanced at the clock on the dash—nine twenty-five. He sighed. He was exhausted and it had been a long day. He had planned to get home sooner, to spend a few minutes with Maddie and Aiden before his bedtime. But one of his players had taken a shot in the face fielding a routine ground ball and then his pitching coach asked him to review the rotation for their first game on Thursday night. He could have put the coach off, set a time tomorrow, but the distraction had given him an excuse to stay longer.

  For a few minutes, he was able to immerse himself in something he enjoyed, where he had confidence in his abilities and no one criticized his every move. When he’d first applied for the head coaching position at the local high school, they’d been drawn to the celebrity factor of a former professional player. But behind the scenes, he couldn’t miss the mumbles about whether or not he could actually lead a championship team. The one thing he’d learned with small town sports is that winning was everything. They would fill the bleachers on a game night as long as the team was good.

  He’d proven himself over the past three years, with two regional championships and one state title under his belt. And this year was shaping up to be another stellar season.

  He couldn’t let the team and the town down. But did that mean he had to disappoint Maddie?

  He’d barely stepped in the house when Maddie’s voice screeched across the house. “Justin!”

  He sighed and leaned his head on the door he’d just closed.

  “Where have you been?”

  Oh crap. He spun around. “I had practice tonight. One of the boys was injured and we had to work with the trainer and then I had to go over pitching rotations with Johnson.”

  “I told you that today was a good day. You know we only have a few hours when I’m ovulating.”

  He threw his jacket off and yanked at his tie. Sex had become such a chore, but if this was what she needed to be happy, then that was what he wanted for her. “Well, I’m here now.”

  “It’s too late.” The words came out on a sob.

  There were those pesky tears again. Was it bad that he felt relief that they’d missed the window? Maybe then she wouldn’t obsess for the next two weeks. Maybe they could focus on them as a couple for a little while. And maybe she’d leave the house, which she had done less and less recently. At the beginning, he hadn’t noticed, but over the past few months, her days spent at home, not hanging out with friends had become, well, noticeable.

  But none of that mattered right now. They were both here, Aiden was in bed, and they could make love without the pressure of getting pregnant. Like they used to before she focused all her energies on conception. He pulled her into his arms, lowering his lips to her neck, finding that spot that always drove her wild.

  She pushed him away. “Justin, stop.”

  “Dammit, Maddie. Maybe I want to make love with my wife without the pressure of ovulating and
charts and just the right position. Where is that spontaneous woman who made love to me behind the dugout at the stadium?”

  “She’s living in the real world, not your fantasy one. She has commitments and obligations and oh, by the way, can’t seem to get pregnant.”

  He gritted his teeth. Same fight, different day. He softened his voice. He refused to become a bitter, angry man, like his father had been, but it was hard at times when he was tested like this. “Don’t you think I know that? Somewhere along the way, we lost sight of us in the mix. Don’t you miss us?”

  A fire lit up her eyes with an intensity he hadn’t seen in a long time. A determination that had served her well when they were younger. They’d had some of their best sex when she was spun up over something or other. But the fire in her eyes now was laced with anger. “Not when you’re being like this. If you wanted to have sex, you should have been home when I texted you.”

  “No, I don’t want to have sex. I want to make love with my wife.”

  “You missed your chance.”

  He threw up his hands. “I don’t give a damn about your charts and your window and what time it is. I just want my wife.”

  “Well, I want a baby. Is that so wrong?”

  “No, it’s not wrong… but you’re obsessed. I barely even recognize you anymore.”

  “If that’s how you feel, why do you even bother to come home?”

  “Right now, I’m asking myself the same question.”

  “Then maybe you shouldn’t trouble yourself.”

  “Maybe I shouldn’t!” He snatched his coat off the couch, stalked out of the house, and slammed the door behind him.

  He stopped on the porch.

  What the fuck just happened?

  He’d had a shit day at practice. All he’d wanted was to come home and spend a few minutes relaxing with his family. Instead, it was more fights and more tears. It was too much. Something had to change. He dashed off a quick text to Izzy. “You home?”