Chasing Hope Read online

  CHASING DREAMS

  Book 1 in the Harper Family series

  by

  Nancy Stopper

  Table of Contents

  Title Page

  Chasing Hope

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Chapter Thirteen

  Chapter Fourteen

  Chapter Fifteen

  Chapter Sixteen

  Chapter Seventeen

  Chapter Eighteen

  Chapter Nineteen

  Chapter Twenty

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Chapter Thirty

  Chapter Thirty-One

  Epilogue

  Acknowledgements

  About the Author

  Copyright

  Chasing Hope

  By

  Nancy Stopper

  Chapter One

  “What the hell is this?” Justin shoved the container of yogurt out of the way. The plastic scratched across the wooden surface of the counter, but not far enough away for his satisfaction. He just wanted his normal breakfast of bacon and eggs with a side of toast so he could go to work. Not this chick food. And was that granola? He hated granola.

  He’d already put up with Maddie banning most of his other vices. First it was the coffee. He wasn’t happy, but he could deal with it. Then came the beer. When she cleared out the sweets and other snacks, he almost put his foot down. But breakfast was sacred. You didn’t mess with the first meal of a man’s day. This crap could go the way of the other food Maddie had cleared out of their kitchen. For months. He’d accepted the changes early on, even embraced them, because he loved his wife and this was important to her. To them… and their family. But this was going too far.

  “Maddie.” He drew in a few deep breaths. The best way to handle this was with a calm, rational conversation. Maddie was reasonable. She’d understand.

  His wife of eight years ambled into the kitchen, a thermometer in her mouth. She pulled it out and stared at it.

  “Maddie?”

  “Huh? What did you say? I’m sorry, honey. I was taking my temperature.”

  “I see that. What is this?” He motioned toward the counter, but he didn’t really need her to answer. He knew exactly what she was doing. The same thing she’d been doing for almost a year now.

  “Breakfast. Yogurt and granola. It’s better for you. It’s better for us.”

  He turned his back and gritted his teeth. Anything to keep from saying what he wanted to say. “I’m going to work. I’ll just get something on the way.”

  A muffin and a hot cup of coffee from Java sounded pretty good right now. The problem was, he didn’t want to go behind his wife’s back. But he’d become that man… and he hated himself for it.

  He didn’t want to resent what was happening in his marriage. He loved Maddie. He just couldn’t take it anymore.

  She stared at the thermometer in her hand. “Keep your schedule open later. It might be time.”

  “I have two vendors coming in today, and you know I have practice after work. I won’t be home until late.”

  Tears pooled in her eyes. Dammit. Didn’t she know that he wanted a baby as much as she did? His sisters were important to him, and he wanted the same relationships for his son. He just no longer wanted to endure the stress to make it happen.

  He pulled his wife into his arms. She couldn’t help the tears but that didn’t make seeing them any easier on him. That much he knew. It was the hormones—and her desire to have another child—that was driving these emotions.

  If only he and Maddie could find some time to sit down and talk about everything happening in their family, calmly and rationally, it might mitigate some of the upset and disappointment they were feeling. As much as he wanted to give Aiden a little brother or sister, Justin had reconciled himself to the fact that they might only have one.

  The charting and counting, the frantic calls to come home, had taken a toll. Maddie had to see that, didn’t she? Each month the pregnancy test revealed a negative sign instead of the desperately wanted plus, Maddie grew more fragile. She wasn’t sleeping, she barely ate, and she’d become obsessed with everything baby. He worried about her and what her need to have more kids was doing to the woman he loved.

  This quest was coming at the expense of his wife… and his marriage.

  Quick thumping sounded in the hall, the telltale sign of another conversation interrupted. “Mommy, Mommy.”

  Maddie stepped away from Justin and swiped under her eyes. Their sensitive son wouldn’t understand what they were going through. And he shouldn’t have to.

  Justin scooped up his son and buzzed raspberries on his neck. Aiden giggled in that sweet little boy laugh that Justin wished he could bottle up. “Hey, buddy. You almost ready for school?”

  “It’s Dr. Seuss’s birthday. Can I wear my striped hat and take Go, Dog, Go to school today?”

  “I think that’ll be all right. Hurry up and eat your breakfast and I’ll drop you off on the way.”

  Maddie hadn’t said a word to Justin since Aiden rushed into the kitchen, focusing her attention instead on rearranging the food she’d set out on the counter. She was a great mother, he couldn’t deny that. But she was so much more. And she’d stopped seeing her sharp, creative mind and her wonderful sense of humor in herself with her obsession with having another child. If only he could find a way to remind her that she was still the woman he’d fallen in love with.

  But was she?

  Ten minutes later, Justin zipped up Aiden’s jacket and slid his arms through his backpack. “Okay, buddy. Get in the car, I’ll be right there.”

  He turned to Maddie. With her hair pulled back into a ponytail, her face clear of any makeup, she looked every bit the college girl he’d fallen in love with. She’d barely changed in the eight years they’d been married. He opened his mouth, ready to remind her how beautiful she was, to tell her that he loved her, then closed it again. “Bye, Maddie.”

  She waved at him, her head down, her focus not on him. He took a step toward her, then retreated. He couldn’t bear to see the anguish in her eyes right now.

  He left without another word.

  * * *

  The door clicked behind Justin, setting off a new wave of tears. He’d left without kissing her goodbye. He’d paused, like he was ready to kiss her. But he didn’t. Is that what their relationship had become?

  Maddie grabbed Aiden’s dishes and plunged her hands under the warm water filling the sink to stave off the onslaught that she struggled to control every day. Had she pushed Justin too far? She cried at the drop of a hat these days. And it wasn’t just because of the hormones, which were bad enough. It was that no matter what she did, she couldn’t make Justin happy anymore. All she wanted to do was give him another child, a daughter to look up to her Daddy, to be a Daddy’s girl.

  He was so good with Izzy’s fiancé’s daughter, Hayley. His eyes lit up every time they were together. Justin might think he was fine without a little girl, but Maddie knew better. Was it so bad that she wanted to give him a daughter?

  But it was more than just Justin’s need. She wanted this for Aiden. For him to have the love of a sibling… or two or three. For him t
o have the big family she hadn’t. That Justin still had.

  After setting the final dish in the drainer and wiping her hands, her gaze landed on the four chairs at the kitchen table, fixing on the one that always sat empty. The chair waiting for another member of their family. One who may never be born.

  She wandered toward the back of the house. Pictures of Aiden at every age decorated the walls and followed her down the hall. She stared at the empty spaces—spots reserved for future pictures, hopefully with more children in them. She was willing to bide her time, but her patience was wearing thin after all these months, years even, of their family not growing.

  She stopped at Aiden’s room. She straightened the twisted bedspread from where her son slept like a tornado every night and smoothed her hand over the midnight-blue fabric.

  He was all boy—like his Daddy. Images of baseball and football and soccer filled his walls, although Justin had made sure baseball took front and center in his son’s life. Justin would like nothing more than his son to follow in his footsteps with a baseball career.

  Clothes from the past few days were strewn on the floor, like Aiden had rushed through changing and left them where they dropped. She collected them and stashed them in his hamper, little socks for his little boy feet, and a bright red and blue shirt that reminded her of how much he’d grown since she’d held him as a newborn.

  Her arms ached to hold another baby, to introduce a new boy or girl to their big brother, to see Aiden look down on his baby brother or sister with awe and wonder. Aiden would be a great brother. She just knew it. Just like Justin was with his sisters. She wanted that for Aiden, but each day he got older… and she continued to not get pregnant.

  She stepped across the hall and opened the door they kept closed. For her sanity. They’d moved Aiden into the front bedroom almost three years ago when he’d outgrown his crib, expecting they would again use the back bedroom as a nursery. A crib sat in front of the window where the morning light flooded the room with warmth and happiness, the mattress bare, waiting for its next occupant. The white-washed dresser still held some of Aiden’s baby clothes, but she couldn’t bear to open the drawers, to be reminded of what she didn’t have.

  She crossed the room and lowered herself onto the well-worn cushion of the glider-rocker in the corner. Many nights she’d rocked a fussy Aiden in this chair, his cries sometimes soothed when she held him close. She could almost picture Justin, his sleep pants slung low on his hips as he snuggled the baby close to his bare chest. Father and son.

  But that hadn’t stopped Justin from throwing her a heated gaze. A look that told her without words the desire he felt. Sometimes after they had soothed Aiden back to sleep, they would creep into their own room and make love, a slow, intense coupling that reconnected them, reminding them of the deep connection they’d always had.

  A connection that felt severed, lost to them now. She could chalk it up to work and raising Aiden and not finding enough grown-up time, but she knew better. Justin wanted a big family, just like she did. A common interest they’d discovered early in their relationship. But she hadn’t been able to give him that, to give them what they both wanted so much. She’d done everything she could. Spent hours poring over internet sites about conception, joining chat rooms with other moms, changing their diet and routine. And when those methods hadn’t worked, she’d started fertility treatments. Anything to fill the ache in her soul that yearned for family.

  So she wouldn’t be alone.

  But month after month, she cursed the day when her hopes were shattered… again.

  Her phone vibrated in her pocket. Maybe it was Justin, calling to apologize? Her heart fell as Jen’s picture flashed across the screen. Maddie clicked the talk button. “Hey, Jen.”

  “What’s wrong?” Jen was the only person who truly understood what Maddie was going through. Frankly, she was Maddie’s only friend these days.

  Maddie couldn’t bear to be around her “Mommy friends” anymore, showing off their baby pictures and sonograms. Everyone she knew was having more kids. The friends from Aiden’s Mommy and Me classes were all on their second or third baby by now. And here was Maddie. Barren.

  “Maddie?”

  “Sorry, Jen. I was just thinking.”

  “Oh, Maddie. We talked about this. You need to get your mind off babies, and thermometers, and charting.”

  “I am. I was. But I just felt different yesterday morning.”

  “Wait, stop. I don’t want to have this conversation over the phone.”

  Maddie didn’t have any interest in meeting up with Jen. She barely felt like leaving the house anymore. Why should she subject herself to the pitying looks and the furtive whispers behind people’s hands? Whenever she went anywhere with Aiden it was always When are you two going to have another? “I don’t think I’m up to going out this morning.”

  “You can’t keep being a hermit, not leaving the house, not seeing anyone. Walk out your front door once in a while.”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Maddie, just walk out your front door.”

  Jen was right. Maddie couldn’t keep shutting herself away in the house, hoping for something that was never going to happen. Maybe some fresh air would be good. After throwing a last look around the nursery, she closed the door and headed to the front of the house. She could take a photo and text it to Jen. That might pacify her for a while.

  With a plan in place, she pulled open the door.

  “Surprise.” Jen waved her cellphone at Maddie with one hand, a paper bag in her other, a wide smile on her face.

  Tears sprang to Maddie’s eyes. Again.

  “Oh, no, you don’t.” Jen burst past her, and Maddie had no choice but to shut the door. Whether Maddie wanted company had never deterred Hurricane Jen before. “I brought sustenance.”

  Maddie shook her head. She loved her friend for trying, but she barely felt like eating anymore. Certainly not the scone or chocolate croissant likely in the Java bag.

  “I don’t know, Jen. I think I should just stick to what I’ve been doing.” Maddie’s stomach was in knots all the time, and she couldn’t help but worry about every morsel of food she put in her mouth. The doctor had told her to maintain her regular diet, but the website she’d read last week had sworn that yogurt and granola increased fertility. After all these months, she’d take any help she could get.

  “Haven’t I told you to stop with Dr. Google? It’ll just drive you crazy. All you do anymore is stay holed up here, reading site after site, and getting more neurotic.”

  “I’m not neurotic. I just want to do everything I can to get pregnant.”

  Jen lowered herself to the sofa and patted the cushion beside her.

  Maddie slumped onto the couch. She knew what was coming.

  “Maddie, I love you, but you’re going about this all the wrong way.”

  “How could I be going about this the wrong way? I take my temperature. I know exactly when I’m ovulating and when Justin and I should have sex.”

  Jen pulled a scone from the bag and made a big deal of smelling it, reveling in the warm deliciousness, before taking a big bite. “That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about the bigger picture. What kind of mom can you be to Aiden and wife to Justin when you’ve made everything about getting pregnant? You’re not the happy woman that I met three years ago. I see the shadows in your eyes and the dark circles. I hate this for you and Justin. You’re just so sad all the time.”

  “I’m not sad all the time.” But even as she said the words, Maddie knew Jen had a point.

  She loved Aiden. Her bright, energetic five-year-old son should be full of energy, bouncing off the walls and keeping Maddie on her toes, but instead, he walked on eggshells around her. He was always so sweet about it, wrapping his arms around her when it looked like she needed a hug. But she should be the one taking care of him, not the other way around.

  There were those pesky tears again. But this time, they had nothi
ng to do with her hormones and everything to do with how she’d failed her son.

  “I’m a terrible mother.”

  Jen’s arms came around Maddie. “No, Maddie, you’re not. You’ve just lost sight of the big picture. I can’t imagine what it’s like, wanting something so much that it takes over everything in your life. Maybe you should focus on what you already have, a sexy husband who loves you and a great kid who has a gentle soul. Maybe you shouldn’t be putting so much energy into getting pregnant again right now. The stress can’t be good for any of you.”

  Maddie swiped at her eyes and sat up. “You’re right. I can’t keep letting this obsession take over our lives. This morning, Justin left without kissing me goodbye. He always gives me a goodbye kiss, no matter how big of a fight we may have had. But today, he didn’t.”

  “Well then, missy, what are you going to do about it?”

  She thought about that a minute then squared her shoulders. Jen was right. Maddie wasn’t this person. She was a strong, independent woman who didn’t let a challenge get in her way. That was how she’d caught Justin’s eye in the first place. She just needed to remember what it was like when they’d fallen in love. Before the sleepless nights and the temper tantrums. Before fertility shots and cycle charting had taken every bit of romance out of their relationship.

  But how could she set aside her need for a family that had dug so deep and grabbed hold of her soul that she didn’t know how to live without it?

  “My job here is done.” Jen hopped up and rushed to the door. She waggled her thumb and pinky beside her cheek. “Call me?”

  Maddie nodded but barely noticed Jen scooting out the door. Her friend had given her a lot to think about. But first things first… she needed a shower!

  Chapter Two

  Twelve years ago

  “I can’t believe you convinced me to come to this game with you. I have two papers to write and an exam to study for.” Maddie giggled at Amanda as they climbed out of her friends Toyota Corolla. To outsiders, Amanda and Maddie looked like an unusual pair, but on Maddie’s very first day at Villanova, Amanda had approached her as she stood alone in the back of the room during freshman orientation, and the two had been inseparable ever since. Amanda kept Maddie social and Maddie kept Amanda from cutting too many classes.